Uncomfortable Moments in Circle - Circle Conversations September 14, 2026
Updated: Sep 30
hosted by C. Sloane Swan and Janis Hall
Introduction
Circle Conversations is a teaching and discussion circle where we learn about the things we do in Circle and the reasons for them. This is different from Circle of Stones, which is a sharing and witnessing Circle. Circle of Stones is our "entry" Circle and is meant to be a safe and nurturing nest where women can find their voice, reclaim their power, and remember their self-worth. We recognize that this is an ongoing process for us all.
We have a guiding set of Principles and Agreements that help our Circles maintain sacred safety, strengthen the rim of the Circle so all women feel safe and included, and support the integrity of the Circle. We use a sounding device to remind us of the power of the pause.
Using role-play examples, we explored three specific uncomfortable moments that can arise in Circle and demonstrated how the Guardian's sounding device can serve as a gentle way to bring us back to center.
1st Uncomfortable Moment: Speaking Across the Center
During the Presencing Round, one Sister interrupts and says:
"K.! It's so good to see you!"
A sounding device is then used to bring the Circle back to center.
The Agreement broken in this example is:
"I will focus my attention into the center of the Circle."
Why is this important?
Speaking across the center of the Circle to another Sister directly erodes the sacred center. We want the rim to be strong and hold the sacred center, which is where all our words should be directed. The center holds the energy of what we're creating in Circle so that we can all practice deep listening.
In The Circle Way, Christina Baldwin writes:
"Imagine that everyone on the rim has an arrow, not a weapon, but a pointed view. As people speak, they throw the arrow as far as their intention extends. So if they are energetically speaking to the center, their arrow lands there; if they are speaking to someone on the opposite rim, the arrow flies across the room. The goal is to fill the center with arrows, not to fill people's laps. In the center, arrows feed the fire and build like-heartedness, the sense that we can disagree yet still be respectful of one another."
She also writes:
"When the circle's energy is anchored to the center, we can trust each other to be passionate and respectful. This anchoring has a profound impact on people's experience of subtle and subjective elements, such as a sense of safety, inclusion, spaciousness for story, and the ability to respond appropriately to conflict. The energy of the arrows goes both ways: we need to honor the center, and we need to stay in our hoops. As we practice this, we can release lots of energy and not threaten the stability of the container."
The sounding device offers a soft, gentle, and nonverbal way to bring the Circle back to center without placing anyone on the spot.
2nd Uncomfortable Moment: Offering Advice
One Sister shares:
"I'm struggling with my daughter right now, and she's causing me grief. I'm not quite sure what to do about it, but I'm upset... and I've spoken."
Another Sister responds:
"I know we're not supposed to do this, but I can really relate, and there's this book I just read that's really helpful. Maybe it'll help you, too. I'll send you the information after Circle. I have spoken."
A sounding device is played.
The Agreement broken in this example is:
"I will not judge, fix, or offer advice to another woman in Circle."
The Principle affected is:
"We practice deep listening, refrain from side conversations and comments, and we do not offer advice."
Circle of Stones is not a conversation circle. It is a witnessing and sharing circle. It is an opportunity to practice deep listening in a safe and brave space. Not only that, but the words, "I know we're not supposed to do this," followed by taking the action anyway, create not just a ripple but a tidal wave. For those new to Circle, it sets a precedent that it is acceptable to break the Principles or Agreements. Other women may follow suit, and this can erode the safety of the Circle. We all want to create a safe space where women can share their true selves.
3rd Uncomfortable Moment: Using a Sister's Name While Sharing
A Sister has completed her share. Later, another Sister raises her talking piece and says:
"I can relate to J.'s words..."
and then continues sharing her own experience.
The Agreement affected is:
"I will focus my attention into the center of the Circle."
Using a Sister's name in this way is not sharing into the center of the Circle. Instead, it shifts attention to a specific individual. A Sister may have just shared something vulnerable. She may have a great deal of emotion coming up and may need the silence that follows her share. Silence is a welcome participant in the Circle, but by using someone's name, that silence can be interrupted by what Christina Baldwin refers to metaphorically as a "flying arrow."
How many women have experiences of hearing their name called unexpectedly by a parent, teacher, or another authority figure? Using a Sister's name during Circle time can unintentionally evoke those experiences and erode the safe and brave space we are trying to create.
Instead of using a Sister's name, we can say:
"I'm going to pick up the thread of daughters..."
This keeps the focus on the shared thread rather than an individual.
Returning to Center
Using the sounding device as quickly as possible when we notice uncomfortable moments is a soft and gentle way to bring us all back to center. No explanation or correction is needed in the moment. The pause itself is often enough.
Each Sister can be a leader from her chair, either by using her own sounding device or by asking the Host or Guardian to play it. We are all responsible for the health of the Circle.
Questions for Discussion
Was there an uncomfortable moment for you in Circle, either this evening or at another time?
Was there a moment or experience when you felt the Host should have done something?
What does being a leader in your chair mean to you?
